I’m A Sinner, I’m A Saint, I Do Not Feel Ashamed: Truths and Lies About The Pill

I remember the day that I lost my virginity.

Ok, it wasn’t much to remember, except that I overslept the morning after for pre-sale Alanis Morissette tickets.

You always regret something.

I remember the day my mom found out that I lost my virginity.

I was sashaying in from drill team practice, rerunning a couple of eight counts through my mind when I pivoted, paused, head snapped, froze and spotted her crying.

I peered a little closer, only to see that she was holding a piece of notebook paper soaked with the bleeding ink of my boyfriend’s handwriting. It was a letter he had written me confessing his love and the happiness that he had that we had decided to “do it.”

Isn’t it Ironic. Don’t ya think.

“You’re only sixteen years old and in no way would I have made the decision for you to have sex. I’m disappointed that you’ve made this decision, and I likely can’t stop you now, but I can make sure that you don’t get pregnant. We’re going to my gynecologist and you’re getting on The Pill.”

I will forever be grateful for my mother for saying so, because up until this point we were using the pull-out-and-pray method. Which was apropos, considering we were mostly having sex in his pick-up in a church parking lot.

Jagged Little Pill

I am and will always be a fan of the oral contraceptive pill, aka The Pill. It is reliable, easy to use, has non contraceptive benefits, and I think its unfortunate that there are so many heinous false rumors about this bad bitch of birth control.

The pill contains both estrogen and progesterone. Two naturally-made hormones in your body. There is a very normal cycle that occurs with your brain, these hormones, your ovaries, and releasing an egg each month. When you give your body these hormones in a pill form, your brain sees their presence and no longer stimulates your ovaries to make the hormones naturally.

While telling your ovaries not to make these hormones anymore, it is also telling them not to release an egg that month…hence no ovulation….hence no babies.

You Oughta Know

•  You have to take The Pill everyday, it is also generally best if you try to take it at around the same time every day. It doesn’t last in your system very long and some people are more sensitive to this fluctuation and therefore, if they are even off by a few hours, they may have some spotting.

• If you do miss a pill, take it as soon as you remember it and take the other regularly scheduled pill too. Eat something, because this could make you nauseous. Although, I am not sure if it’s just the hormones or the mere freak out of the possibility of getting pregnant. If you miss two pills, same thing, but in this case you have to use a backup birth control that month. If you miss three pills then you should just stop taking the pills that month, let yourself have a period (which at this point is usually inevitable) and start a new pack the following Sunday. That whole following month you have to use a backup method of birth control.

• Starting a package late is the same as missing pills. So if you start one day late take two at once but if you start two days late take two together and then one twelve hours later, but use a backup that month! This is actually the most common reason why people on The Pill get pregnant.

• When you first start The Pill, it is very common to have nausea, breast tenderness, headaches, and abnormal bleeding. Spotting is normal for up to three months, but after that if you bleed at any other point besides the designated period days you should contact your doctor.

• The Pill is also effective in:

treatment of painful periods

treatment of heavy periods

treatment of PMS

treatment of PMDD (PMS’s super bitchy twin sister)

prevention of menstrual migraines

treatment of acne or abnormal hair growth (like on your chin not on your legs)

• The Pill can also reduce your risk of uterine cancer, ovarian cancer and colorectal cancer

I’m Wrong and I’m Sorry

 Let me dispel three myths about The Pill:

•  The Pill makes you gain weight. There is no scientific evidence that shows that The Pill causes weight gain. Unless you are chasing it with a milkshake.

• The Pill causes infertility. Such as “I had a friend that was on The Pill for like ten years and then she got off The Pill and she didn’t have a period and she couldn’t get pregnant.” The truth is your friend didn’t have a period for some other reason. Taking The Pill was just making her period seem regular. And on getting pregnant prior…I hate to state the obvious, but she wasn’t trying, so how would she know?

• The Pill protects you against STDs. I hope most people know this is false, but I just wanted to reiterate that it absolutely does not protect you against STDs. Even after five Tito’s and sodas. SO USE A CONDOM!!!!

Overall The Pill is quite fabulous if used properly, but it does have risks. A very small amount of people, three to ten out of ten thousand, can get a blood clot in their leg. You can definitely not take The Pill if you are over the age of thirty-five and smoke cigarettes. There are also other people with different medical conditions that shouldn’t take The Pill so definitely consult a doc before borrowing some from your roommate.

Despite my antics, I still found a way to make it front row to Alanis. And though I am not an advocate of teenage sex, I also found my way to being a successful adult. I thank my mother for protecting me and as far as The Pill is concerned; I have one hand in my pocket and the other one is giving it a high five.