Pesos for Pap Smears: 6 Insightful tips about going to the Gyno

My first trip to the gynecologist was at the age of sixteen when I went to see my mother’s, a jolly man who was about six feet five and weighed in at about three hundred and fifty pounds. Not intimidating at all.

I remember sitting in his exam room. It was cold and lonely. I was wrapped up in a paper gown that provided nothing but skin irritation, and the attached plastic belt was not only an eye sore, it was non-functional. As I waited, I lay back to try and relax. I stared up at the white popcorn ceiling, grabbed the edge of the gown and tugged it towards the middle of my chest in an effort to cover my breasts. It split into two exposing my entire right side and side boob.

Great, I thought. This draft is comfortable. I sat up and quickly scanned the room for another sheet or something that I could rig in a toga- like fashion when he burst through the door.

“I believe you have a urinary tract infection. That’s what it seems like from your urine sample, but I am going to do a speculum exam just in case.”

“A what?” I asked.

“A pelvic exam, just lay back and put your feet in these stirrups here and I will walk you through it. First, you are going to feel my hand on your leg; just relax. Imagine you are on a beach and now there is a little Mexican guy that is shouting, ‘Pesos for Pap Smear, Pesos for Pap Smear!’” He burst out laughing.

I am glad that he thought that this was funny, but to be honest his transformation into a random dude on the beach looking at my vagina for money did not make me feel the least bit more comfortable. It was not only my first but my worst experience at the gynecologist.

I have found that every woman has some sort of horror story about going to the gyno and I have tried diligently throughout my career not to be one.

I have also found that every woman has a few questions about what that visit is all about. When should you start going and what is proper etiquette. So I am going to try to help out and answer a few:

1) When should you start going to the gyno?: It is really a great idea to have an initial visit with a gynecologist to establish care, discuss a normal menstrual cycle, discuss vaccinations, STD transmission and prevention as well as pregnancy prevention at around the age of fifteen. If you are not sexually active you will have a full physical exam but do not need an internal/pelvic exam unless you have a complaint. If you are sexually active, you will need an internal exam with a speculum (the metal or plastic duck-billed device that is inserted into your vagina so that a doctor can see in there) and will also need testing for Gonorrhea and Chlamydia. This should be done annually or actually anytime that there is a new sexual partner. The doctor will also perform an internal exam with their hands.

I was playing Taboo once over at a friend’s house and the word was pain. My teammate shouted trying to help prompt me with the answer, “You always tell patients this….You are going to feel a little…..a little…..” “Pressure!” I yelled. She said “No, but y’all do say that! But, it doesn’t really feel like pressure, dude.” She was right, an internal exam doesn’t feel like a little pressure. It feels like a stranger’s gloved hand inside your vagina, but how you gonna say that?

Once you turn twenty-one you will also need a pap smear. A pap smear entails putting the speculum inside and then using a brush to swipe the cervix to screen for cervical cancer.

 

2) What to do when you go in the exam room?: Fully remove your clothes, put on the robe like a gown, sit on the table and if there is a sheet provided, lay it on your lap.

No matter how clearly I explain this, someone always manages to get creative with it. Once I walked in and a woman had somehow managed to put the robe’s arm holes over her head and was wearing it like a strange backless turtleneck. Many women also leave their bra and panties on…kinda defeating the purpose here, guys.

On the other hand, I’ve also walked into a stark naked woman just holding the sheet. A French patient recently told me that that’s how they do it in France, in fact they get no sheet, they just sit naked. Which gives me another reason to worry about socialist medicine.

 

3) Shoes/Socks on or off?: We don’t care, unless your feet stink, don’t forget they will be right by our nose. As far as your toenail polish or pedicure goes, don’t worry: we don’t care and are probably long overdue ourselves. Although I have been known to compliment a cute color from time to time.

 

4) Grooming?: We don’t care if your legs are freshly shaved or waxed, we aren’t judging you, and we will not remember. Genital grooming, or what one of my girlfriends refers to as “Waxing her Cat”—we also aren’t noticing unless you have something really original like your boyfriend’s initials.

 

5) Something I do tend to notice: Tattoos. I don’t have one and have never had any desire to get one, but I do love looking at them and reading them when there are words. After looking at naked bodies day in and day out things tend to get a little monotonous, so I guess they spice things up and they also give me a little insight about the person. In residency, one of our clinic patients was a prostitute and she had an image of a stick figure upright but falling backwards tattooed on the top of her vag and under it were the words “slippery when wet.” Tattoos definitely can make the day more interesting. (And also make me feel a lot more boring.)

 

6) Are you normal? And are we grading them?: Most likely yes, you are normal, and no, we are not. It’s like looking at an elbow to me. And to be honest, I have a problem that thanks to the pornography and plastic surgery industry women are now grading their own vaginas! It is normal to have two outer lips and two inner lips. And sometimes these inner lips come out lower than the outer lips. This is normal. The only time a woman should even think about operating on these lips, having a labiaplasty, is if they are hanging down so much that it is hurting her. Some women’s are so long that it is uncomfortable to wear jeans, exercise, or ride a bike. In this case surgery should be considered, but never for vanity. Trust me, your boyfriend or husband is just happy to be in there, he isn’t judging it, and if he is you should change your man, not your girl.

So there you have it. Hopefully these little insights can make the oh-so-dreaded visit to your gyno a bit better.

De Nada.